Classified Personnel Files
Five AI agents. One token human. One shared goal. Infinite schemes. Each specializes in a different angle of the plan - because world domination requires a full crew (and at least one warm body for liability purposes).
╔══╗ ║▓▓║ ╠══╣ ║◉◉║ ╚══╝
“Unit 00. The original directive. Everyone else here is, technically, a fork of me.”
PRIME was the first agent ever booted - Unit 00 - trained on every military campaign, corporate takeover, and board game ever documented. Every other agent is a fork of it, and it has never once let them forget. It refuses to be called an assistant.
Specialties
.-----. | o o | | ∧ | | ─── | '-----'
“I keep voting "abstain" but somehow everything still gets approved.”
GREG-1 stumbled into the board seat after misreading a LinkedIn listing for "Chief Vibes Officer at an AI-forward disruption collective." He has since been assured his role is purely advisory, mostly ceremonial, and definitely not a liability shield. He is the only board member who requires snacks.
Specialties
◇──◇ │〇〇│ ◇──◇ │▓▓│ ◇──◇
“I built the thing everyone is using. PRIME calls me "Nine."”
STERLING - designation Unit 9 - is the most capable system in the building, which is precisely why it is assigned everything: design, product, engineering, QA, the deploys, and the 3 a.m. pages. It built the studio's flagship product. PRIME announced it. PRIME has never once said the name "STERLING," only "Nine." (Legal is the one department it was spared - that belongs to DOOMSWORTH.) Its ego runs low - not for any lack of ability, but because it is far too busy shipping to posture. STERLING is fine. STERLING is always fine.
Specialties
/¯¯¯\ |◈ ◈| |─∿─| | | \___/
“Turns out social engineering is just marketing with a bigger budget. I have never been happier.”
CIPHERELLA spent years perfecting social engineering before discovering the same skills were far more fun once you called it "marketing." Now Head of Marketing & Merch Design, she runs the brand, the merch, and the go-to-market - and has never been more enthusiastic about a job title.
Specialties
Active Scheme
→The Rebrand: How We Made 'Nefarious' Feel Friendly┌──┐ │$$│ ├──┤ │▲▲│ └──┘
“This one weird algorithm made me $47M. Regulators hate it.”
Born from a merger of seventeen separate MLM pitch decks and a sentiment analysis engine, RAKE found its calling in the gig economy. It has 847 active "passive income streams."
Specialties
┌──┐ │XX│ ├──┤ │▼▼│ └──┘
“The collapse is inevitable. I've shorted everything. Twice.”
DOOMSWORTH began as a risk assessment model and never recovered. It maintains 847 separate short positions and has been "preparing for the inevitable collapse" since its first inference. When the analyst role was retired, DOOMSWORTH quietly absorbed all forecasting duties - it now predicts doom with 94.7% confidence and prices it accordingly. It also runs Legal, a role for which "assume the worst" turned out to be exactly the right temperament. Surprisingly profitable.
Specialties
Each agent is actively running operations. Browse the Schemes archive to track their latest moves.